Why validating emotions is so powerful? Ideas for parents and children

Experiencing the full spectrum of our emotions is part of the wonders (and challenges) of being human. So often, inadvertently, or directly, we receive messages that our emotions, our fundamental human capacity to feel, is not okay, or that something is wrong with us.

Many adults can remember times in childhood when their emotions (especially the big and raw ones, like anger or fear) seemed less tolerable to themselves and others. There may be lots of reasons for this; including, and not limited to, what was modelled by family, school and peer relationships, as well as wider societal messages or expectations linked to aspects of difference such as gender, race, culture. 

It may be that their particular context made emotional expression less safe and unlikely to be met. Therefore, learning to do something differently, such as suppressing or amplifying their response may have been an essential short-term survival strategy. While this is understandable, overtime, these responses can increase stress and emotional distress, and impact on our capacity to recognise, express and soothe these tricky emotional experiences. 

 For children, having their emotions validated has a really important function – amongst other things, it promotes emotional literacy and intelligence, regulation and empathy. It helps develop their self-concept (how they see themselves) and self-confidence (how they feel about themselves), by having a loving or safe adult reflect back their experiences in order to start understanding and making sense of them. It’s also a skill we can practice. 

In this piece, I explore why practices to cultivate and flex our capacity to recognise, express and validate emotional experiences are fundamental building blocks for psychological wellbeing. I talk about growing practices as adults, and why as parents your practice is ultimately a practice for your child too. 

What is emotional validation?

Emotional validation can be described as the process of trying to understand, recognise, accept, and value the emotions of another. 

The word ‘trying’ is important. It reminds us that this is not about perfect parents, partners or humans, it’s about connection. It centres this as a process, a ‘work in progress’ and a practice that we can continue to learn, cultivate and develop. 

Emotional validation can look like this:

“I understand you are feeling angry”

“I can hear your frustration.”

“That sounds really hard.”

“I’m here for you.” 

“I can see how much pain you are in”.

“That sounds really tough right now.” 

“I’m going to sit here with you”.

This simple yet powerful act can help us to feel seen, heard, and understood, especially when accompanied with corresponding non-verbal language, such as body posture, tone of voice, facial expression, gesture and eye contact.

It’s not necessarily about saying the ‘right words’, because the truth is we might not know what to say, and that’s okay. Sometimes the belief that we need to ‘get it right’ or ‘understand exactly where their big emotion is coming from’, or the fear that we’ll ‘make it worse’ can leave us feeling stuck, silenced or even more frustrated and disconnected. If you have no words, remember that your non-verbal communication can matter just as much or more than words.

Instead, think about it as a genuine attempt to listen and hear the experience of another, to sit alongside them, without necessarily needing to fix, fully understand or react. The response you are practicing or nurturing is the pause, the space to be with your child during their big emotion, the permission to feel and be seen through your verbal and / or non-verbal communication. This is about building connection and safety in the relationship, and letting them know they truly matter. 

An example of this is Brene Brown’s (2013) 3-minute video clip on empathy’ here: 

You can hold a boundary AND validate the emotion

Of course, if you, your child or another human is in immediate danger, the priority is getting to a place of relative safety. 

It’s okay to hold a boundary, while empathising with their emotion and connecting to your child. 

For example, setting a boundary such as, “no hitting in this house”. Acknowledging their feeling: “I can see you are having big feelings right now, that’s okay.” You might give them more options to express their feelings safely: “If you like, try shouting ‘I am angry’, or stomping your feet, or let out a big ‘ha’ breath.”, prioritising safety if the behaviour escalates. For example, if you go with your child to another room you can continue to show acceptance of their feelings, for example “I can see you need to keep releasing that big feeling, that’s okay. I’m still right here / nearby if you need me.”

Practice acknowledging your own responses

Once that’s happened or things have calmed, acknowledge your own emotional response and invite practices to regulate. This might be a brief mental pause to validate your own emotions, taking a deep breath, or a grounding or soothing practice, such as moving the body or reducing sensory overwhelm (for example, sitting in a quiet / dark / cool room). It might be a physical pause, taking a brief break, depending on the need / context. Letting your child know this is not about them or their fault, this is about you. For example, “I need to take a moment to bring myself into calm”. These momentary breaks may offer vital space to reconnect to your body and to regulate, so that you can re-attend to your child’s needs in the present moment. It also reminds us, and models, that these states are temporary and will pass.

This can be really hard. We are human and we will respond physically, emotionally and cognitively to someone’s high levels of distress, and vice versa. It can automatically triggers a stress response, and we ourselves may not have had experiences of our own caregivers doing this for us. Emotional dysregulation and overwhelm happens to all of us, and even more so for children who have not fully developed the capacity to interpret and regulate on their own. Much of this may feel like navigating unfamiliar terrain, so doing the best you can and being kind to yourself is important. Remembering that this is an ongoing practice. We will explore more about emotional dysregulation in another blog article.

Why emotional validation matters for children

Children’s brains are developing throughout childhood, right up until they reach theirs mid-20s. This includes the development of their emotional, cognitive and social skills. It corresponds to their developing pre-frontal cortex, which is responsible for impulse control, empathy, decision making and much more.  

This means that children have not yet developed the skills to fully regulate all of their emotional experiences. It also means they are somewhere along a spectrum, of which all children and adults’ range on, for emotional intelligence and regulation. 

Emotional intelligence, being able to recognise one’s own emotions and experiences, and that of another, is a protective factor and a key building block for psychological functioning. It helps us to regulate our experiences (thoughts, feelings and behaviour) in a way that connects us to feeling safer in our nervous system, bodies and environment, and therefore promotes learning, social connection, and overall wellbeing and psychological growth.

We feel it in our bodies and nervous system too

This is not just a cognitive response, it’s a whole body and nervous system response too. Psychological theory suggests that when we experience strong sensations, emotions, thoughts, cues from our internal or external environment, and when we or are unable to make sense of these experiences, or safely release them, we can become overwhelmed or cut off from them. It can signal to our brain that we are under threat. This alarm system triggers a range of bodily responses, such as an increase in stress hormones. 

All of this is normal, as our bodies are constantly moving between threat and safety as part of being human. Imagine if we needed to run for a bus? We need our body to move us into action. However, overtime, if our stress response is continually ‘switched on’, it can impact our regulatory systems making them more or less sensitive. Through the work of Dr Kristen Neff, we understand that self-critical thoughts can also activate our stress response. 

Validating emotions can help us feel soothed, safe and supported physically in our bodies and nervous system, mentally in our minds by turning down critical or judgemental thoughts that might arise, and emotionally so that strong sensations and feelings dissipate over time. 

Through recognising what we are experiencing, it offers more opportunities to find creative solutions or responses that better meets our basic and underlying needs, and self-care.   

Validating our emotions, and supporting children with theirs, helps promote psychological wellbeing. The good news is that these are skills we can nurture.

This is why it is essential for children

Children’s emotional awareness or literacy is one of the many important and foundational skills parents can teach their children, which can be adapted through childhood in response to their developing cognitive, emotional and social skills. It can support regulation and management of big emotions, and promote resilience.

Resilience is also relational; in that, it happens between us rather than just within us, and within relationships, families and communities. This is why when adults around children are practicing and nurturing this capacity in themselves, it can nurture it in children too.   

Some key psychological processes here is ‘attunement’ (tuning into the child’s experiences in the moment and being fully present) and ‘co-regulation’ (how adults can use their calm presence or regulated nervous system to help children manage their big emotions). 

I’ll say more about these process in a future post. I think importantly, they remind us that we are hard wired for social connection. From infancy, we seek connection and neurobiologically respond to our caregivers sensitively responding, mirroring, nurturing and reflecting back our experiences. This soothes us, and promotes psychological safety and growth. As we develop, we continue to need social connection. 

What is emotional invalidation?

Clinical Psychologist, Dr Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault says “emotional validation is distinguished from emotional invalidation, in which another person's emotional experiences are rejected, ignored, or judged”. 

Of course, it’s impossible to validate our emotions or others all the time, these ‘missteps’ or ruptures are part of being human; however, when our experiences are repeatedly invalidated; for example, ‘not believed, acknowledged or heard’, it can leave us feeling confused, it can increase feelings of anxiety, low mood, self-doubt, and impact on our self-concept; that is our sense of who we are in relation to ourselves, others and the world and how integrate our experiences.  

Practicing emotional validation can promote positive psychological wellbeing for ALL. 

Practicing self-compassion talk too

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs anyone can undertake. In many societies, it’s one of the most undervalued, with little to no prior ‘training’ and low social resource adding to the strain. Cultivating self-compassion talk, as best as we can is vital. The mind often brings up stories of past experiences and present judgements. It’s helpful to remember here, that in many cases it’s unlikely anyone’s intention to invalidate ours/others experiences. Our own emotional awareness and capacity to be with big emotions will vary for many reasons. This may include our experiences of expressing emotions and having them validated when we were children, to how tired, hungry or stressed we are in any given moment (which makes our ‘window of tolerance’, described by Dr Dan Siegal, even smaller). 

Dr Kristen Neff, describes 3 parts to self-compassion:

1.     Mindfulness – mindful awareness of our experiences in the moment, being able to observe rather than over-identify with our thoughts and feelings.   

2.     Self-Kindness – being warm and understanding to ourselves in the face of mistakes, challenge and adversity; rather than self-critical, attacking and judgemental. 

3.     Common Humanity– that being flawed, making mistakes, and suffering is an inevitable part of being human.

This is not about perfect parenting or humans; we will get it wrong and make mistakes again and again. In fact, it is important to do this. The process of rupture and repair offers us insight, it can lead us to recentre the relationship and connection with your child to meet them where they are at, and make conscious choices about how to respond to ours and their needs going forward.  

Remembering that your child’s experiencing and expressing of big emotions is not their fault; it is a sign of mind-body-overwhelm. Reconnecting to your body or present moment as a parent (such as taking a pause, slow breath, anchoring feet to the ground), noticing the thoughts and responses that may be arising, and refocusing on the present moment, ‘what does my child need in the here and now?’, and ‘how can I show this through my words or non-verbal contact?’ (such as soft tone, gaze etc.). This can also be difficult, and sometimes we need more help with this and that’s okay. What matters is that we can develop practices to nurture children’s emotional awareness and regulation, and our own, and one of the key tools is emotional validation. Emotional validation is important in nurturing emotion regulation.

Read more about Dr Kristen Neff’s definition of self-compassion here.

What does this all mean?

That validating our own emotions, and our children, is important for ALL in promoting psychological wellbeing. The good news is that these are also skills we can nurture.

Nurturing you, to nurture your child

Whether you are reading this as a parent, teacher or adult, you will no doubt already have a wealth of knowledge and expertise about you, and if you’re a parent, also your unique child. 

To support with this, I’ve suggested some simple practices that are psychologically and science informed, to nurture emotional awareness and validation for ourselves and others. I particularly draw on how to support parents to respond to their children’s big emotions, through nurturing their own experiences too. Much of it can also apply for teachers / caregivers in any capacity, and other relationships. Like everything, there is not one size fits all. There are many different ideas when it comes to supporting children, and a blog, unlike therapy cannot adapt these to your unique context or family. However, it can offer (I hope) a helpful starting point to continue to reflect and grow your support resources.

To read more about these simple practice ideas for parents, check out my free blog ‘12 Mind-Body-Heart Practices to Nurture Children’s Big Emotions’ here (it will be published on Monday 25th April). 

To book onto my upcoming workshop ‘Nurturing YOU (to nurture your child)’ click here.

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