Children’s Behaviour as Communication

A trauma aware approach to understanding and nurturing children’s experiences 

Children’s behaviour IS communication.

One of the things I often hear from parents / caregivers is how hard this is in practice.

There are so many understandable reasons for this; for example, it may not have been modelled to us in our experiences of being parented, in education or in other significant relationships. Heightened stress in the moment, or the cumulative build-up of stress due to structures around families experienced as challenging or threatening, e.g., lack of support or resource- this too can limit our capacity, and flexibility to adapt and respond.  This is not our fault – this is how our bodies and brains are built to respond to stress.

The key message is that any strategy takes practice. So much of it is learning to attune to our own thoughts, feeling and body sensations as adults (and what can help us to calm), so that we can better attune to children’s needs, and moderate our response or their environment to help them to calm and learn more ways to cope.

In this article, we talk about the strategy of ‘seeing children’s behaviour as communication’, from a trauma and developmentally informed lens. It requires us to not only see the behaviour, but to attend to the whole child, and cultivate adaptions to our responses as adults to meet their underlying needs.

In doing so, it can have a profound impact on children’s psychological wellbeing. It can be seen as a building block or step to help reduce their distress, and the behaviours that are concerning for adults (and often upsetting for children). Alongside this, it can support towards promoting nervous system regulation and resilience through co-regulation and increased experiences of connection and safety with their adult and environment.

What do we mean by ‘behaviour as communication?’

One definition is the continued practice of seeing children’s behaviour as communication of an underlying need / a sign of their distress / a bid for connection, and as best as possible, attempting to meet them where they are at (from a trauma / developmentally aware lens).

It is based on the premise that children are not simply ‘misbehaving’, they do the best they can with the skills they have or are in the process of developing – in childhood, and throughout our lives, behaviour can be a powerful communication tool, and sometimes the only one available. Therefore, to help them develop other skills, and to meet or alleviate what is underneath the behaviour, as adults we can practice attuning and responding.

It’s not about ‘perfect parenting.’ We won’t always ‘get this right’, and we won’t always know exactly what they are communicating. Through curiosity about what might be underneath the behaviour, and learning to moderate our responses as adults, we can help children to experience empathy, safety through connection and co-regulating, and a gradual return to safety and calm in their bodies.

It is also not about ‘getting rid’ of big emotions. This is an understandable and vital part of being human and their development. Rather, it’s acknowledging that when children’s underlying needs are not acknowledged or met, or they are unable to communicate it with others, they are likely to increase the behaviour (or develop other behaviours or ways of coping that may less adaptive or helpful) to try and get their needs heard and met. It’s not manipulative or misbehaviour, it’s a highly sensible survival strategy, that has evolved over time and is fundamental to being human.  

This practice of ‘seeing behaviour as communication’ can help children feel validated and supported, and offer them greater insight into what they are experiencing. This can open up more possibilities to develop alternative ways of expressing or coping with difficulties.  

As a clinical psychologist, I have worked with many parents and families, health professionals and educators. This strategy is often part of our work together.

What does this look like in practice?

Every child and family system is unique.

Any approach needs to be adapted based on our unique experience of the world, not a one size fits all. It should take into account what is already working well, and widening the lens to consider the structural and contextual factors, values, beliefs and resources, and intersections of our identity, that can influence our experiences.

Some useful questions might be:

‘What signs do I notice of increasing stress / distress / dysregulation in my child (e.g., in their body and behaviour)?

What beliefs do I have about their behaviour, e.g. is it seen as misbehaviour / deliberate / bad? Where does this belief come from, e.g., messages that I may have received as a child or societal pressures?

‘What might their behaviour might be communicating?’

‘What else might be contributing, e.g., tiredness, hunger, long day at school?

When we are both calm, what ideas does my child have about what might be difficult for them, e.g., did something bring up feelings of sadness, worry or fear?

When we are both calm, what alternative ways might there be to communicate how they are thinking and feeling with me? Can I be creative about ways of communicating together, knowing no one size fits all e.g., non-verbal, hand signals, face gestures, words?

What detective work can I do as a parent / caregiver (noticing my child’s signs and signals), because they are too overwhelmed or unable to communicate it with me? For example, when big behaviours (such as, pushing or refusing) show up before bed, I wonder if they may be feeling cross or upset and wanting connection. What ways can I invite connection, soothing and safety in their body (e.g., through attuning to them, calming my body), in order to support this transition to bed?

What previous examples do I have of what can help calm and soothe? For them, and for me?

What boundaries or family rules do we have? How is this communicated and modelled by the adults in their world?

Are there any expectations for them to manage these big feelings and behaviour independently? Is it in line with their development? Do they have the developmental skills to, and if not, how can I help them with this?

Can I store up the successes, and remember that this is not about perfection – much of it is about repeated practice, trial and error adapting to my child?

Can I kindly remind myself that their needs and behaviours will shift as they develop, and as we grow in relationship with our children - ‘I am doing the best I can right now, one step at a time?’

Pause

If it feels like a natural point to pause before continuing with the rest of the article, here’s an invitation:

If you can, lean into your anchor points, such as your feet to the ground or your sitting bones on a chair.

Notice the sensations in your body, e.g., thoughts, feelings, sensations.

Take some slow steady breaths – if you can, try blowing out of straw on the exhale breath so it becomes slightly longer, slightly slower.

Repeat as many times as you need

So much of this work is not only on a cognitive level, but also on a body and heart level. Children can invoke strong feelings in adults – it may even come up as you remember tricky situations with them. That’s understandable, typical and part of being human. Remember - ‘I am doing the best I can right now, one step at a time.’

The approach invites us to bring kind inquiry and curiosity towards ourselves, and invite small practices to pause, be with, invite calm.

Well done for taking this pause with me now.

Taking a trauma, developmental and emotionally informed perspective

Children develop at different rates, e.g., socially, emotionally, cognitively. This includes their capacity to regulate their behaviour and impulses. Each child is unique, and where they might sit on a developmental spectrum means it’s incomplete to only compare them to their same-aged peers (or siblings) to ascertain what should be expected of them.

In fact, children’s brains are developing right until their mid-20s. This means that their capacity to regulate is continually a ‘work in progress’, and something they need to learn and be taught throughout their childhood. One of the most powerful teachers of adult regulation, is children’s repeated experiences of co-regulation, connection and modelling from their adults.

In the case of trauma, these experiences can have a profound impact on aspects of children’s development. They may learn strategies to survive in the short term, which can also limit them in other ways, such as their capacity to regulate. While this may not apply to your child, it is helpful to invite awareness, empathy and understanding to each child; that their behaviour may be a learnt strategy in response to earlier or current challenges they have faced, and a signal of needing more support to help soothe and calm their body, and to understand, express and regulate their experiences. Understanding this is vital to seeing the whole child, and their behaviour in context.

What do we do when children show big emotions and behaviour?

 Big behaviours, such as shouting, hitting, kicking, pushing can understandably feel challenging for parents, particularly in social situations when it may bring up feelings of scrutiny, judgement, anger and stress.

Understanding behaviour as communication helps us to remain curious. We might consider big behaviours as an outward expression of when children are experiencing any number of things, such as: cognitive and physical overwhelm; over-excitement (beyond their capacity to down regulate); an attempt to gain control over strong sensations (through behaviour); in the way we all do as humans, and in the only way they currently know how; seeking connection with their adult (as part being human and a basic need); testing boundaries (as a typical part of social learning); or not yet having the skills (developmentally, emotionally, socially) to manage a particular social situation or interaction. It can also be a sign of a basic need that needs attending to, or emotions or sensations they cannot yet understand, express and release, such as sadness, frustration, upset and excitement.

Being a detective

A key part of this strategy is practicing learning to tune in and notice shifts in your child’s internal state (a bit like being a ‘thought, feeling and nervous system detective’), and the context that make these shifts and changes in behaviour more likely, such as hunger, tired, thirsty, pain / discomfort. If the stress and overwhelm has already built up, exploring ways to help them to release the sensations as safely as possible, such as moving their body. At a later point when calm, talk it through together for next time.

Practicing this for ourselves as adults is vital

We all know that trying to stay relatively calm as an adult when our stress response is activated is not easy! Particularly in the face of big behaviours that may trigger a response in us – we are human after all. We all dysregulate at times. It is a practice, and one that invites us to learn to attune to our mind-body response and moderate our behaviour as adults enough, in order to help regulate this for the child. We won’t always get it right. However, as an ongoing practice and work in progress, overtime, it can reduce distress and big behaviour. We may find we need help from professionals and that’s okay and understandable. As we discussed, there are many reasons this can be challenging.

When we do notice the overwhelm in ourselves, asking ‘what do I need to help calm my body in this moment?’ If it’s possible and safe to do so, this might include a moment to breathe, pause, splash the face with water, take a short break, ask another family member to help. Sometimes the stepping away, along with clear communication, “Darling, I need a moment to help calm my body, I will be right over here”, can model a coping skill.

Another key part of the practice is seeing the whole child, not simply the behaviour. When children see their adults ‘working together’ to better understand and help them, to accept they are ‘doing the best they can until they have the skills to do differently’ and bring a ‘lightness’ to the problem wherever possible, and as they learn through repetition and the repeated experiences of connection and safety with their adults, and having their internal world validated and reflected back, it can shift how they see themselves too.

We might say, “ah I can see this is hard right now, let’s work together to find out how to help you manage this big feeling”, “I’ll be right here / outside if you need me,” “I’ll be right here whenever you’d like a cuddle”.

These are just ideas – as always, an invitation to playfully find your words, tone, language that feels right for you, and can communicate to your child- I hear, see and accept you.

 Why is this practice valuable? 

Working to understand children’s behaviour as communication invites empathy, increases children’s felt sense of having their experiences accepted and understood, and asks the adults around them to learn ways to moderate their response or behaviour as best as they can, in order to better meet the underling needs of their child. This is cultivated through practice, and in time helps children to better understand their own internal experiences, find creative solutions and ways of releasing strong sensations, and ultimately more adaptive ways of communicating their wants / needs with you and others.

It is not humanly possible for parents to know all the answers, and certainly psychologists won’t know all there is about your unique family. If working with a psychologist / therapist, the key is doing so together, with shared and different ideas, to promote more understanding and help families move towards their preferred futures.

Although it is beyond the scope of this article, other key interrelated strategies are adult regulation as part of helping children with theirs, separating behaviour from emotion and the child, and initial ideas to help parents de-escalate when stress becomes high (e.g., recognising immediacy / danger, or what you can come back to when things are calmer).

I hope you find this article helpful and that it inspired some ideas.

Further initial reading that you may find helpful:

“The Whole Brain Child” by Dr Daniel Siegel and Dr Tina Payne Bryson.

For more ideas, articles, resources visit www.mindfulyogapsychology.com , or get in touch via our contact page.